At first, I was lost on what this post was going to be about. I only knew what the title was going to be. I guess it’s fitting because I am “only human.” This was actually going to be a pretty sad post, but after much thought, I realized I don’t want to be that way (it still kind of is though). Giving in to depression. For what? It won’t do me any good and it sure as hell isn’t going to help me get anything done.
I recently auditioned for a play on campus, “Crimes of the Heart,” put on by the theater group, No Refund Theatre. I remember being so nervous for the audition because it was my first time acting ever. I kept running my lines with my friend, Azaria, who came to support me.
I distinctly remember saying over and over, as it got closer to the time for me to go into the room to audition, that “the door is right here and we can just leave and not come back.” She kept telling me no and that I would do fine. Well, I think I did okay. The last time I did an audition was in high school and that was for dancing (no speaking involved whatsoever). I was pretty hype for the next couple of days as I waited for the callback list to come out. It came out late Tuesday night and….I wasn’t on it. I wasn’t extremely worried because they said that just because you didn’t get a callback, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you didn’t get the part. I was a little bit worried, but I waited until Thursday night when they emailed the cast list for all the plays and, I wasn’t on it.
At first, I though I was okay with it. You know? I went after something I’ve never done, was rejected, but hey, at least I tried. But then I went into a downward spiral of “was I not good enough?? what could I have done better?? maybe I wasn’t meant to do anything in acting. they really just straight up rejected me. wait am I just terrible at everything? this is all pointless. life is pretty much a sham” and so on. Keep in mind that this is probably 12 or 1 in the morning and my roommate is asleep, the lights are off, and I’m just laying there unable to sleep after receiving such bad news. And when I tried to calm myself down with some meditation, I couldn’t even do that because with the stupid iPhone XR (like all after the 6) doesn’t have a earphone jack so you can either charge your phone or listen to something. Unfortunately, my phone was about to die, so I couldn’t plug my earphones in to listen to my meditation app. I was irritated, hopeless, and sad, so I had to result to staring into the dark hoping that I would fall asleep.
And this might be getting a little sad (more than it already is), but have you ever felt the crushing weight of emptiness? There is just some people in life who will never feel that low in their life and I pray to God that they never do. I would never wish it on my worse enemy. I’ve experienced it a few times and it’s not fun. For me, it’s the loss of feeling. Like I feel no emotion and it really just feels like a dark whole. It feels like I’m suffocating simply because I don’t feel anything and I don’t even know what causes it. What could possibly make you feel so low that you don’t even feel emotions? Not happy, not angry, not complacent, not even sad. Just nothing. Some of this is probably due to my disorder, but it is something that I can get rid of.
Anyways, the next day (after much thought) I realized that I can’t spiral because of that. It wasn’t worth it. Yeah, being in a play was something that I really wanted to do this semester, but it really was just God telling me that it wasn’t meant for me right now. So I got to thinking that maybe I was meant to just focus on college and my blog for now. All things happen in due time and I needed to acknowledge the fact that doors get closed for a reason, but where a door closes, another one always opens.
I also realized that I needed to go through this alone. Like much of last year, I had to figure things out on my own. I needed to fight those battles alone because if I keep waiting for someone to notice that I’ve fallen down and they never come, I’m only hurting myself. 2018 really taught me that if I want something done, I have to do it myself. No one is going to constantly be there and that’s something that everyone needs to remember. You can cry in the middle of the street, screaming out for someone to help you, or you can wipe your tears away and pick yourself back up. I’m sick of being the victim to my own mind. It’s okay for you to fall down sometimes, all that matters is how you pick yourself back up (a wise person once said). It defines who you are. We do what we have to do out here to get to where we want to be and I don’t plan on stopping until I do.